Thanksgiving

Another second ticks away,
Another minute ends.
I'm thankful for the time I have
and all the pain it mends.


I'm thankful for my loyal friends
And all the time we've shared.
I'm thankful for the times they say
"Of course we've always cared!"


I'm thankful for my little car
And the places I can go.
I'm thankful for the job I work
So I don't have to mow.


I'm thankful for my college years
No matter how dull they seem.
I'm thankful for my fun degree
And for my future team.


I'm thankful for so many things,
though far to much to list.
I'm thankful for my past ventures
Every one I'll surely miss.


Above all this I'm thankful for,
only one is truly pure:
I'm thankful for my God and King
The one whom I adore.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Set It Off

I seem to be getting into a habit of posting late at night. I guess that works for me. /shrug

I've been thinking about what God wants from me, what direction he is leading me. I know that he wants me to be a part of ministry, but I don't know how to get there. I am currently going for game design, and I know I'd be damn good at it. Obviously, this sounds very proud, but I've realized something about myself: I am rather self defeating. Often times my biggest obstacle is my own self-consciousness, and I end up playing down my God given gifts. I am excellently suited to programming, as I have an extremely analytical outlook on life. I try to find logic in everything, and I am constantly questioning what I already know. I've said before that I have a head for useless facts, but I don't really think that anymore. I simply have a head for facts.

In the past few weeks, I have been finding who I am, and who I want to be. I want to be a role model, but right now I am weak. But maybe that is the biggest reason I want to lead. I am nothing, but with God, I know I can do all things. No one should follow me. Not a single person should ever model their life off of mine, but I earnestly hope and pray and chase after a single quality: That when someone sees me, they will see a broken vessel, whom God has returned to form and purposed for perfection. Who I was will never be more than nothing, but with God filling my heart, rushing through my veins with the purest ecstasy, I am more than a conquerer in Christ (I'm reading through Romans right now, if you hadn't guessed).

Life's too short, eh? Maybe I can try to life my life unto God. Everything will be better if I do, I have that knowledge in my mind. God, help me put to death my own self-consciousness and be the person I really am: A metal head, a technophile, a man with problems, and above all else, a man redeemed.

RISE! 
Let your spirit fly!
RISE!
Stand up for yourself!
RISE!
Hold your head up high!
Set It Off - P.O.D

thoughts

I don't really know why I decided to write tonight. It's nearly 12 and I honestly should be going to bed. So much has been happening that I have no really desire to talk about, at least not on such a public forum.

And yet, I do seem to be drawn to writing at this odd hour. For no decipherable rhyme or reason, I sit in from of my little screen in my little room as part of my little world.

It's a interesting concept, and one I have been thinking about for awhile. How often are we the center of our own little worlds? No really, step back for a second and think: how much do you do, every day, that is wholly and completely about you? Probably more that you think.

But in truth, we have no world, nor even our own space. No plot of land or deed of ownership. Rather, everything we have is lent to us. I forget that. A lot. I always say "my" money, "my" time, "my" car, "my" life. God I am a fool sometimes.

I have nothing that is not given to me. I have no claim to anything material or spiritual except through Christ. We know this to be true, every one of us in our own way, yet we deny it every day.

I have no desire to sleep right now. I have so much, and I have no idea what to use it for. Not only money, but intelligence and ability. I have talent that I don't use. I squander my time because I never have to try. I never fail because of any lack of ability, but always a lack of reason.

Is it worse to waste ability, or to never have it? I don't claim to know.

He is We

I can not recommend this band enough. Really, they are amazing. If you like good music, you need to go listen to this now.

http://heiswe.bandcamp.com/

Also, you can download all the songs there for free.

And if you can't make yourself find a song on the link, all you have to to do is watch this video for an awesome song! Then you can go click the link and download all the music. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbo3LYv7V2c

Annoucement!

Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you! You should go check out my second blog!

Yes, I know what you're thinking: "Thomas, why in the world would you need a second blog? You hardly use this one!" Well, that's fair, but I have a good explination. Sorta. Honest!

Basically I want this blog to be a bit more private, mostly between my friends. My second blog is for youth group people as well, and I'm going to try to give it too a lot of people.

But what is this second blog? Well, that's a good question!

I have a hard time reading and studying the bible, so I've decided (with God's help....) that I need a goal to work towards. That goal is for me to read one chapter from the new testament per day, and then study it and post it on my blog! My hope is that I will get a lot out of getting into a schedule (I certainly will), and others will get something from my writing as well.

Without further ado, the address: http://onechaptereveryday.blogspot.com/ (spiffy, right?)

Now! My final request! I'm going to try to post it every morning, but I need your help! If you ever happen to check the blog and I haven't posted that day yet, tell me! Text me! call me! Drive over and slap me (please don't)! It can be as short as saying "update blog", and it will remind me to do it.

Thanks to everyone for reading! And for all who skimmed down to here, shame on you! Get back up there and read it proper!

I'm out.

Stars

Writing writing. Trying to find something to write about. With school starting back up, I feel like I should take more time to update this, so here I am.

I wonder what it's like among the stars

Racing through the lights and swinging around mars

With all that beauty and mystery

Lights shining back through history

Did you know that some of the stars you see don't exist anymore? I find that just astounding. Because of how far away the stars are, the light they give off takes a lot of time to reach the earth, perhaps thousands upon thousands of years. This means that many of those stars may no longer exist, and we might not notice it for another hundred years! That also means that we may see more and more stars as time passes, because some stars may be so far away that the light still hasn't reached us.

It's a simple thing, but something that makes me wonder at God's creation. He made the universe greater than even the brightest minds of our race put together can understand. 

P.S. Random tidbit I found while checking my facts: The light from the sun is approx 8.3 minutes old when it reaches us. So we are actually seeing the sun as it was 8.3 minutes in the past. Craziness!

Can't Hold A Candle

I haven't really been in a blogging mood lately. Life has just been a whirlwind of stress. Work has been the biggest chunk of my time. I work at a non-profit organization called Residential Services Inc, or RSI. They help support and take care of people with mental disabilities. They atmosphere there is just incredible, with so many amazing, kind, and helpful people. Even though I'm "the intern" people respect me and take time to get to know me. What I do officially is IT work, computer repair and desktop support, but really I just do what people need me to do. I've learned so much, and had a good time doing it, though it's certainly tiring. It's satisfying work, and good pay. I could really ask for more.

Over the past two weeks, my family has been remodeling the basement in our house, which meant that I've been displaced from my desk for awhile. It's amazing how comfortable you get in one spot when it's "yours". I've actually been a bit stressed out from having to move. There's not really anywhere for me to go except my room, which just ends up feeling to isolated. Thankfully, it's to the point where it's organized and able to be used, so I have my desk back now. It looks so much better than it used to also, so that's a nice plus.

Finally, I've been dealing with a lot of personal stuff. I've taken some time to step back and examine my life and see what direction I'm going in. I haven't thought a ton about what my options are in the past year, and a lot of the things I've taken for granted I had to reevaluated. It wasn't exactly fun, but it was a good thing for me to do and I think I'll be better off for it.

Well, that's my rant for the day. Hopefully someone still reads this. =)

Simple

Here I am yet again, broken and hurting

I don't understand your plan

I don't see the end of this road

All I have is the belief that there has to be something more.

I'm holding out for simply perfection

Nothing will satisfy

Nothing will come close

To the gift of love that you have for me.

I will endure the pain and shame

The constant doubt

The constant confusion

Because I know I have something greater.

God, you are my one and only.

I am dedicated to you.

I am dedicated to your plan.

You are the first and foremost in my life.

I want to be an artist, painting with words.

A beautiful release

A beautiful collection

Is a talent for writing in me to claim?

I write for therapy and and consolation

I wish I could instill joy

I wish I could bring freedom

But I can not craft and weave the truth.

So I continue my sad semblance of prose

My lifelong almosts

My lifelong failures

Simply because I have nowhere else to turn.

I have no great gift for you my Lord

Not a voice of note

Not a body of shape

I just have everything that makes me who I am.

And I am so very beautiful in Your eyes.

A stunning sculpture

A stunning scheme

Designed for the giving of glory to the only God.

There is no one like you God. I will serve no other.

Trust

Trusting God can be really hard sometimes. Sometimes he asks you to do things you don't want to do or to give up something you don't want to give. It's always for the best. I wish it was easier to remember that.

Stomping on Sin

Secret sins will destroy you.

Yup. Nice happy topic today. We all have our own struggles that we don't tell each other. Some things we really can't tell certain people, but sometimes it's more important just to tell someone. It really sucks, it's really embarrassing, and there's usually anger and crying involved. It's worth it though. When you let sin fester in your heart, it will change you. Ever so slowly, it will creep into other parts of your life, and you won't even notice. Well, more likely you will notice, but be too scared to do anything.

Let me break it down for you. Satan is a master of lies. Think about that for a second. You know all those things you've been telling yourself? Those things the bible doesn't agree? Yeah, you're being lied too. I think the most common lie people hear through keeping sins hidden is that they are worthless, that no one would want to know them if they knew "it". That is utter crap.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:13-14

Yeah, God made you, exactly the way your are. He didn't just make you, he crafted you. He knit you with his own hands. Not just that, but his works are wonderful as well. Guess what? You're one of God's works. What's that make you? Makes you seem pretty worthwhile huh?

As for your friends, trust me, good friends won't ever abandon each other. I've learned that time and time again. I've done truly shameful things, but I won't let that take me over, because those sins don't define who I am. I am not my sin. I am unique, important, loved and set free; sin has no hold over me, and never will. I can't express this enough. We, as Christians, have no fear of sin. NONE. It can never separate us from God, and God is always there to smash it's head in. We have been given a new identity in Christ, one that is wholly apart from our former selves. No guilt in life, no fear in death, we are truly saved.

So what do you do know? Surround yourself with your friends while you fight this. They will gladly step up to be your shield. In some cases, we will gladly be your sword as well.

All Christians are a part of the army of God. Did you know that? We are in an army, a fighting force that has power over death and demons. We are called to fight, to defend the lives of the lost and defeat the lies of the enemy. We won't leave one of our own stranded.

We won't abandon you.

The past week

As more people read this blog, it becomes somewhat harder to post. Now that I'm trying to entertain or challenge the reader, I get more worried about what I post. What if someone doesn't want to read my writing?

I have decided they can...well. Not read it.

That said, I have had an emotional week and a half. What? guys have feelings? Indeed, shocking I know. This is the first time I've been working for a summer, and in many ways it has been awesome. At the same time though, I have a lot less free time than I'm used to, and when other important things come up, it's harder to deal with them. I spent all of last week trying to see my girlfriend before she left the country for a month, and every day something got in the way. I was getting very discouraged and started to doubt a lot of things in my life I held certain. I questioned if I should go to school next semester, if I really wanted to do game design, and if Mariko and I would be able to keep our relationship going from an hour away.

In many ways, that was what hurt the most. For two and a half years I've known I wanted Mariko. I never doubted her or our relationship until last week. Not only that, I had never really taken a hard look at what life was going to throw at us. College is hard work and stress, especially for someone like Mariko. What if we don't have enough time to see each other? With all of these things swirling around my head, I finally got to spend a day with her on Sunday.

I think we'll be ok.

Yes, it may be different, but the simple truth is I love being with her. She makes me happy. I don't want to give that up. There's a lot of confusion in my life right now, with trying to see friends, work, and helping with youth group, and I've been basing my identity in Mariko. With her leaving I was freaking out about what life is going to like. In truth, not that different. A month away sucks, but I have a life here that I can enjoy, and it gives me some much needed time to reestablish my life on God's word.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll post more soon.

Self Help

"Excuse me sir, I know you're just getting back home, but could I talked to for just one moment?"

This is what greeted me as I got out of the car today. To be honest, it was rather startling. I have no idea how she manged to avoid being spotted until I was out of the car. It was a well executed ambush, and I was defenseless. Well, sorta.

Basically, she (She gave me her name, but it wasn't a hello. It was merely a means to an end) wanted to sell me a book that would give me a "guilt free and stress free life"....Hmm. Sounds good, but that's not enough to sell me. Then she threw in the self help book. Oh boy.

Now, I love me good self help book. All the tips and points with the cute little drawings ("hang in there!"). Awesome. Still, I'm always a little sad when I see one. I always wonder if the writer really wanted to help people, or if they just found an easy way to make money. Everyone is looking for a way to make life better, and I understand that. It just hurts me to see so many try and fail when there is such an easy solution. Yes, I said it. There really is a solution! And guess what? It even comes in book form! Yup, the best "self help" book you'll ever find, and it can be yours for the low low price of free. Heck, I'll give you mine. I even have some notes in there that might help you out. It won't make everything perfect immediately, but I can guarantee complete satisfaction in 90 years or less or your money back.

As I write this, I'm feeling a pang of regret. I had a chance to tell her why I don't need a book to make my life better, and I didn't. I can blame it on many things, but it doesn't really matter. I missed a chance, and that is always regrettable, but there is something I can do. I'm praying for this girl (likely older than me). I pray that God puts someone in her life to show her the right way.

A Clever Title

Having a job is amazing. Yes, the money is nice, but that's not really what I'm talking about. Every summer, I would half-heartedly look for a job, not find one, and end up staying home for almost the entire summer. At the time, I thought that's what I wanted, to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. It never really worked out like that though. I was always bored and melancholy, and I never felt good about anything I did. Sure, it was great for a week or two, but soon I got into a rut and just didn't do anything, and all the video games I play for fun just felt like a way to waste time.

Now, when I get back from work I feel so much more relaxed, and I can actually enjoy the games I have. I don't feel guilty about playing games because I know that I have accomplished something. It's a nice feeling.

The money is nice too. =)

Adventures

Pictures hold such amazing stories. I spent some time today looking through some of the things I've done over the past year, and it baffles me how blessed I've been. It is the condition of the human mind to remember the bad and forget the good, but pictures are different. Pictures retain joy and feeling, a reminder of times spent laughing with friends.

It has been my great privileged to be friends with some amazing photographers, each of whom have chronicled different parts of my life. The most influential of them would have to be my friend Carolyn. There is a joy attached to her pictures, not just from the memories she captures, but also from the act of capturing them. She is rarely without her camera, snapping away seemingly endlessly at this and that, little things of no apparent importance. But when I see these pictures, weeks, months, or years later, I am always reminded of the adventures we've had. It is surprising how much the little nothings she has captured can mean to me. A slightly blurry picture, filled with little quirks of facial expressions: a little slice of real life that mean more to me than an artistic shot.

Carolyn has the rare gift of being about to capture real life. Yes, it might not technically be a "good" picture, and yes, most people wouldn't think much of it, but to those that were there, that experienced that bit of life together, there are few things more valuable. I have been blessed by her passion for pictures, and I look forward to the up and coming adventures that we will see. When you're friends with Carolyn, there is always an adventure to be found.

Indescribable

Hiking was a good experience for me. God's creation is unspeakably beautiful, and there's no way to describe standing on a mountain watching the sun rise. I was deeply moved by the scope of it, and I couldn't help but be reminded how small I am. The mountains were stunning, but the absolute pinnacle of my trip was a waterfall we saw driving back. I've always thought waterfalls we amazing, but pictures can never reveal the majesty. I stood on the rocks underneath it and marveled at the size and volume of it all. A light mist of water was constantly brushing across my face, chilling and refreshing me. It was a masterpiece, and as I watched it I was struck by a thought. God created such stunning beauty on earth, sights that terrify and thrill you, sights that take your breath away...How much greater will it be in Heaven?

We have an amazing God.

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable - Chris Tomlin

The Riot

Screams pound into my ears, my muscles tensing and relaxing in time with the chant. My breath runs ragged and my heart chokes as I pound my first into the air. Bodies press against me, fighting to release the energy inside. Waiting for the beat to begin we shove and yell, yearning to push and slam against those around us. A bestial vigor that turns off the brain, leaving only the movement and screaming. With a screech of agony the music rolls in...and The Riot begins.


It's always funny to me when I talk to girls about metal and screamo. Very few understand the utter joy of succumbing to the music and throwing off the need for order. Destruction and chaos are things of beauty when in the context of a mosh pit. Our society stresses the importance of being tame and controlled, but there are times when a guy just needs to behave without reservation.

Yes, I know it most sound funny coming from me. I'm not exactly a "manly" man (heh). In a way, I think that makes my point more valid. I'm a very passive person, and I still revel in the chaos of music. I don't ask to anyone to understand. Just to stay out of the way and let the boys Riot.

In other news, I'm going backpacking from Tuesday to Thursday. It's the first time I've ever done it, so I'm both super excited and rather apprehensive. It should be great fun.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll give you a rundown after I get back.

About a girl

There's something about you I can't describe. Is it your joy that is ever present, a smile hidden behind your lips waiting to be released? Is it your laugh, a verbose outburst of happiness and light? Maybe it's your touch sending a shiver down my spine, an expression of total safety and trust? A kiss, a holding hands, a simple time together? It is all of this and so much more. You are my song that inspires me to dance, my love that I will not lose, my joy I can hold in my hands, my hope that encourages in the worst of times. For the past two and a half years I have continued to fall in love with you, gaining a deeper understand and respect for who you are and what you do. You are truly a gift from God, and I will do everything in my power to serve you and make you happy. "I love you" is an expression that does not fully describe my feelings towards you, but it will have to suffice for now.

I love you, and I hope I can dance with you again soon.

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place
You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces
We were spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes
No room left to move in between you and I
We forgot where we were and we lost track of time
And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night.

Into The Night - Santana

Interesting note

Go watch here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxDlC7YV5is&feature=related

I found this interesting after my last post. Eight million views in two weeks, and he's appearing on the Ellen Degeneres show today.

Sexism

Today, I watched a video from a very talented female guitar player on youtube. I was genuinely impressed by how well she understood her instrument. After an enjoyable 4 minutes of good guitar playing, I scrolled down to look at the comments.

Woops.

I'm sure you can guess what was there. The war of the sexes had begun and it didn't look like it was stopping any time soon. Males belittling females, females belittling males, and even some females belittling females. It was somewhat of a case study in that regard.

Anyway, this got me thinking about some things. When you think of sexism, what do you think? If you're like most of America, you probably think of men oppressing women. Don't worry, I do too. Is that all there is to it? Obviously not. We all know that women can be just as sexist. In a way, America is in a sort of sexist backlash at the moment, where men are starting to get more weight put on them. Don't believe me? Go watch TV for about an hour. Done? Ok, tell me how many commercials you saw that had a dumb husband, a boneheaded jock, or some such nonsense.

This is mostly an aside though. What I really started wondering was a bit different. Is it possible to be so careful about being sexist, that you are in fact being sexist? Let me explain by going back to the guitar girl. She has gotten millions upon millions of views on her videos, thousands of fans, has played with a number of very famous artist, and got a record deal. Is she good? Heck yes, but she is one among thousands of other young guitarists, some I wound consider much better. Maybe she just got very lucky, or maybe she had some incredible connections, but I just have this nagging feeling like it may have something to do with gender. Am I being sexist by worrying about it? Some would say so, but I don't personally think I am. She's very good, and I think she deserves the recognition. I just hope she's getting it for her skill, not her sex.

~I need some sort of outro.

Oh how we've changed

Our first year of college is over. Can you believe it? Less than a year ago we were all so scared, fretting and crying over little problems. We didn't know what was expected of us, we didn't do everything right, but good golly we did it.

And through it all, we were changing.

We fought through the obstacles, enjoyed freedom from parents, realized that homework is actually very important, and found that sometimes it is better to procrastinate and have an adventure. When stress built up to the breaking we found creative ways to be alone. When joy was overflowing we found friends to laugh with.

And through it all, we were changing.

Many of us made bad decisions. We worked to little, we worked to hard. We were the life of the party, we isolated ourselves. We forgot about friends, we refused to make new ones. We all had to face something in our lives we didn't want to see, and in the end we defeated it.

And through it all, we changed.

As I look at my friends, I see so many differences. Everyone is older, everyone has matured. In some it is noticeable, a change in the way the see the world and react to it. For others, it is more subtle, a smile when they wouldn't before or a quiet hug when they didn't understand before. I feel more distant with some, far closer with others, and I have met many wonderful people over this year.

Today, my first full day of summer, I take to reflect, and thank God for the wonderful and terrible experiences  I've had over my freshman year.

A post

I'm feeling a desire to write, but I don't really have anything to write about. I had a good time at Gnet tonight.

Friends are pretty awesome. Hanging out, talking to people, just generally relaxing together. It's simply good. Not good like a cake, not good like a movie, just good like only a gift from God can be. Cause that's what my friends are; gifts from God. Doesn't matter if they're new or old, doesn't matter if they're around or far away, doesn't matter if they're angry or happy. They're not just friends, their MY friends. I love my friends.

A scarlet light across the sky
A call of ruin upon the earth.
In what does your hope lie?
In what do you place worth?


If you haven't noticed, I'm not going to try to do a post a day anymore, rather aim for two to three a week. Maybe for if I'm feel particularly inclined. As always, thanks to all who read this outpouring of my poetic personification. Does a man good to speak the inner thoughts sometime.

I need some sort of outro.

Late nights

This has been a rather exhausting weekend, but certainly a good one. I spent Friday night at Dave's house. For those of you who don't know, Dave was my small group leader at youth group during my Junior and Senior year, and has had a huge impact on my life. He's been my mentor, my friend, and my inspiration to be a leader at youth group. I owe him so much for all the time he spent with me. And now he's moving to Seattle.

It came as a bit of a shock when I found out, and it's hard to see him go. We've shared a lot of good and bad experiences, and it'll be strange to not have him around anymore. I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss him a lot.

At the same time, this is a wonderful point in my life. I have become a leader at my youth group, and I feel like I really belong. The other leaders respect me as an adult, and the students respect me as a leader. I have a place where I can honestly do some good, and use the talents God has given me to bless other people. I may not be happy with everything in my life, but I always have the joy of Christ inside me, and that joy leads me back to him every time.

As Dave leaves, I have an opportunity. I can never be him, but I can step up and fill in the gap. I can finally be the man he's been encouraging me to be for several years. He never gave up on me. He honestly trusts and believes in me. He's always thought I could do it. Now, I finally believe him.

Thank you Dave. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. You've been an amazing friend and mentor, and I'll really miss having you around. You've taught me so much, maybe more than you realize, and I won't forget it. You helped make me into a leader. I hope I can make you proud.

Undignified

God's love is a dance of sight and sound, a beautiful symphony driving you to lay your worries behind. Worship is the abandonment of self, throwing away pride and fear and simply dancing. With wild abandon, we shake the room with our praise. Forever we disregard thought and simply exist as a part of God's wonderful creation, giving glory to the only being who deserves it. We find our all by sacrificing everything. With dignity left for the proud, I dance for my King.

I’m finding everything I’ll ever need
By giving up, gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity
Right here at Your feet, where I want to be
I am Yours
- Foreverandever Etc - David Crowder Band

Sigh...

God is good, and I'm really not. I try so hard to be better than him, but inevitably I end up failing. I guess it's the plight of humanity for us to always strive to be our own God, throwing off his grace for our own throne of...well, whatever you idolize. Fame? Power? Wealth? We all know what we really want. In the end, I always realize that I can't be God, and my little house of cards comes crashing down. Ashamed I try to hide from him for a time, but that never works either.

It's pretty silly isn't it? God loves us with a perfect love. He will always accept us back, and in fact never left our side in the first place. So when I get high off of all the good things people say about me, God's always there, warning me against pride and selfishness. I sure with I'd listen more.

I really love you God. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I want to do your will, not mine. Please help me understand how you want to use me. Never leave my side Lord, for I am so weak without you. Lead me back to a place of peace, and let me serve you again. Only then am I happy, only then am I free.

Nightmares

He's had this dream before. He knows he can't escape, but he has to run anyway. As the walls rise up and enclose, the Voice begins...
"Run, coward. Run!"
Without another thought he's away. Endless corridors greet him as his breath catches in his throat, strangling and panicking. A left, a right, an aimless race all in hopes of fleeing the endless Voice. Rough walls tear his sleeves, leaving a gift of blood and dirt. It's too much. Too long. He begins to tire.
"Oh no, not that way! You'll never get out that way..."
With a scream he falters on again. He can't understand where it's coming from, the sound endlessly bouncing through the passages. As his lungs burn, he tries to think, tries to understand. He's forgotten it's a dream now. All he knows is danger and pain, as real as as the walls around him.
"Oh silly boy, you know what's going to happen. You can't stop it..."
With a final turn, the game is over. With a dead end before him, a new wave of terror rolls through his mind, hammering into his senses and driving away all thought.
The game is over.


So, before you jump to conclusions, no, I'm not depressed. I'm actually in a really good mood right now. I wrote this as an exercise for myself. I wanted to see if I could convey emotion through my writing, so I picked a fairly universal nightmare of being chased and never being able to get away. I'd like to hear what you think.

Anyway, not much to report today. Still feeling excited about youth group and the opportunities that lie there in. This week is going to be busy, but I think all in all it won't be too stressful. God has really blessed my life over the past few weeks, and I'm looking forward to what he'll show me next.

See you tomorrow!

A quick post

Hey, this one is going to be pretty short. I jammed my finger playing ultimate frisbee today so it's a little hard to type well.

Anyway, today has been a great day. I led that small group I was talking about, and it went far better than I expected. Everyone in the group was talkative and had a lot to say on the topic. I couldn't have asked for a better entry into being a leader. I had so much fun talking and watching them discuss things amongst themselves. I wasn't entirely sure if it was time for me to come back, but I think God really wants me to be there. I don't say this because I'm "all that", but rather because I feel that I am finally ready to give back to my youth group and serve the teens there. Heh, look at me. I'm only 19 and I'm already calling them "teens".

I think God has called me to serve and support other Christians, and I'm proud I can use the gifts he's given me to build up a group of strong Christian men and women.

See what I did there?

     In any long text, it is customary to break your thoughts into different sections, thereby providing clarity and order to your ideas. Now, this can be done in several ways, which I will list in no particular order purely for my own gratification.

     The first, often seen in books, is the "No Space Paragraph". It's not a hard concept really. You just drop a line and throw an indentation in there. This gives a simple, easy to understand connection to the previous paragraph. It helps the action flow through the writing without pause while still arranging it in an organised and concise manner.

     The second is more often seen in long emails or messages than in formal writing. Known as the "Single Space Paragraph", it provides a nice alternative to the No Space Paragraph by allowing some much needed breathing room in betwixt your no doubt deep and intelligent thoughts. It gives the reader a pause, a little break, easily filled by a bite of sandwich or, if your feeling particularly brave, some cereal.

     The final method is what I call the "Wait, Wait, I Wrote Something Really Important Up There, Go Look Again. Really, It's Pretty Awesome", also know as the "I Totally Left This Message Here For An Hour Cause I Had To Take A Shower". I find this form to be the most "out there" and "edgy". It makes the reader absolutely tingle with excitement as they go down not one, but two whole lines to find the next thought, all the while pondering the gravity of an earlier declaration. It is truly a thing of beauty.

     In breaking news, grammar has been beaten to death by large groups of teenagers everywhere. Thought you should know.

     I'm writing this as I should be thinking about what I'm going to do for bible study tomorrow. For those of you that don't know (which is...nobody. I need more people to read my blog...) I have recently become a leader at my churches youth group. While this is totally awesome and all that, it has made me think about how much time I spend really digging into God's word. I have to come to the conclusion that it is not nearly enough.

     I need to work on this quite a bit. I don't think I need to get a God revelation every day of the week, but I do need to start every day with Him in mind, knowing that I am His and His alone. From this knowledge, I think I will be able to give so much more to the people in youth group, and in fact everyone I come across.

     To help me out, I'm going to try and post a little tidbit of what God is doing in my life each day. I don't think it's too much for God to teach me something new everyday, and I hope that the readers of this blog can be encouraged by what he shows me. It would be really awesome if others could join me in this. If anyone wants to, please feel free to leave your daily lesson in the comments on each of my posts, or link to your own blog if you have one.

Get excited, cause it's startin tomorrow.

Giving More

It's 2 AM, rain rolling down the glass.
I can't seem to fall asleep cause I know this life can't last.

I'm wasting time, and I just can't find the way.
I'm lost in a sea of self and I can't hear you when you say.

Your life means more than this.

Woke up next morning, still laying in the same place.
Keep trying to remember what I did, but the whole day's been erased.

I can't keep this up, I'm just wasting all my time
I'm praying for you to come when I hear your voice inside my mind.

Your life means more than this.
So there's no need for me to worry about

Another day rolling by
Another wish unfulfilled
Another hopelessly trying
to save the day that I've killed.

Cause now is the time
That I open up the door
I'm going to dedicate my life
To the art of giving more.

-----------------------------------------------
Needs editing, but it's a song I'm working on. We'll see if I finish or not.

An older writing of mine

Relationships are not what I expected. I guess that's the simplest way to put it. People tell you a lot of things when you start dating. Some if it true, some of it false, and still more that just doesn't apply.

I am no master at the dating game, but I have learned a few things. In truth, it's all about giving. Giving your time, energy, love and trust. It's not something that can be rushed. It has to be built slowly and tended to carefully.

The most prevalent part of my relationship is the feeling that almost anywhere I am, it would be better with her. Having that connection means a lot more that I can say. The feeling that you will be accepted and loved for who you are no matter what you're doing is simply amazing.

Something Beautiful

God has a funny way of hitting you over the head with his awesomeness.

I guess that sentence needs some explanation. So, here's the rundown. Today (or more likely yesterday by the time I'm done with this) I went over to UNC to visit some friends of mine who I hadn't seen in quite some time. Not long after I had arrived, one of them asked me for a favor. It wasn't really a hard favor, and I was happy to do it. But then things got more complicated. In the end, I was walking 15 minutes across campus, alone, at night, to pick my friends up and drive them to a concert that I wanted to go to, but was sold out.

I'm not going to lie, this bugged me. As I started walking, I wrestled with annoyance and anger. I'd come to hang out with them, and now they're using me as a ride? It wasn't fair.

Then it struck me: These were some of my best friends. Am I really so selfish that I can't take 15 minutes out of my day to help them out? I was instantly humbled, and rather ashamed. I talked to God for a bit, and apologized for the way I was acting.

See, it could have stopped here and been a good lesson learned, but God is so much better than that...

Not 2 minutes after I'd stopped praying, one of my friends calls me and tells me that there was an extra ticket to the concert, and if I wanted to go.

So now I'm back at home after an amazing concert that ended an amazing day with friends, all because God knocked me off my high horse. It's good to serve a loving God.

Musings

As I sit and wait for my computer to finish installing a program, I figured I should write a post or something. I mean, that is what this is for, right? Posting random stuff when you're bored that nobody cares about?

The whole idea of a blog has always struck me as slightly odd. Yes, I understand wanted to get your thoughts and ideas out, but do you really want other people to see it? How much of a blogs content do you present to the reader, or is it supposed to be more of an online journal? See, if it's an online journal, I start wondering why I want people to see it. Or maybe I don't want people to see the things I write to myself. In that case, I guess it would change into a blog meant to be enjoyed by the reader. But what sort of content does the reader enjoy? Sweeping statements filled with information about the grand scheme of all that exists upon spinning orb, screaming through the cosmos? Shall I draw upon the creative reservoir stored within my psyche, rendering upright prose to the masses? This seems like a noble endeavor. I could teach and sow the seeds of brilliance!

Or I could just do what everyone actually wants and post funny pictures of cats.

This is the epitome of my circumstance. Why create when you can steal? What joy is art if no one can appreciate it's beauty, or, in fact, comprehend beauty at all? I don't claim to know.

Yet, there is yearning to express, to delve deeper into the mind. What hidden thoughts lie deep within the recessed of my mind? What dark thoughts, what blinding light? It is this question the pulls me ever onward, a chain around my neck that I dare not remove for fear of losing my own understanding. Somewhere inside lies a masterpiece, just waiting to be excavated...

But I swear to GOD, if it ends up being a love song, I quit.

FIRST!

So yeah. I guess I'm going to try this whole blogging thing. We'll see if I can be dedicated enough for it.

Thomas