Simple

Here I am yet again, broken and hurting

I don't understand your plan

I don't see the end of this road

All I have is the belief that there has to be something more.

I'm holding out for simply perfection

Nothing will satisfy

Nothing will come close

To the gift of love that you have for me.

I will endure the pain and shame

The constant doubt

The constant confusion

Because I know I have something greater.

God, you are my one and only.

I am dedicated to you.

I am dedicated to your plan.

You are the first and foremost in my life.

I want to be an artist, painting with words.

A beautiful release

A beautiful collection

Is a talent for writing in me to claim?

I write for therapy and and consolation

I wish I could instill joy

I wish I could bring freedom

But I can not craft and weave the truth.

So I continue my sad semblance of prose

My lifelong almosts

My lifelong failures

Simply because I have nowhere else to turn.

I have no great gift for you my Lord

Not a voice of note

Not a body of shape

I just have everything that makes me who I am.

And I am so very beautiful in Your eyes.

A stunning sculpture

A stunning scheme

Designed for the giving of glory to the only God.

There is no one like you God. I will serve no other.

Trust

Trusting God can be really hard sometimes. Sometimes he asks you to do things you don't want to do or to give up something you don't want to give. It's always for the best. I wish it was easier to remember that.

Stomping on Sin

Secret sins will destroy you.

Yup. Nice happy topic today. We all have our own struggles that we don't tell each other. Some things we really can't tell certain people, but sometimes it's more important just to tell someone. It really sucks, it's really embarrassing, and there's usually anger and crying involved. It's worth it though. When you let sin fester in your heart, it will change you. Ever so slowly, it will creep into other parts of your life, and you won't even notice. Well, more likely you will notice, but be too scared to do anything.

Let me break it down for you. Satan is a master of lies. Think about that for a second. You know all those things you've been telling yourself? Those things the bible doesn't agree? Yeah, you're being lied too. I think the most common lie people hear through keeping sins hidden is that they are worthless, that no one would want to know them if they knew "it". That is utter crap.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:13-14

Yeah, God made you, exactly the way your are. He didn't just make you, he crafted you. He knit you with his own hands. Not just that, but his works are wonderful as well. Guess what? You're one of God's works. What's that make you? Makes you seem pretty worthwhile huh?

As for your friends, trust me, good friends won't ever abandon each other. I've learned that time and time again. I've done truly shameful things, but I won't let that take me over, because those sins don't define who I am. I am not my sin. I am unique, important, loved and set free; sin has no hold over me, and never will. I can't express this enough. We, as Christians, have no fear of sin. NONE. It can never separate us from God, and God is always there to smash it's head in. We have been given a new identity in Christ, one that is wholly apart from our former selves. No guilt in life, no fear in death, we are truly saved.

So what do you do know? Surround yourself with your friends while you fight this. They will gladly step up to be your shield. In some cases, we will gladly be your sword as well.

All Christians are a part of the army of God. Did you know that? We are in an army, a fighting force that has power over death and demons. We are called to fight, to defend the lives of the lost and defeat the lies of the enemy. We won't leave one of our own stranded.

We won't abandon you.

The past week

As more people read this blog, it becomes somewhat harder to post. Now that I'm trying to entertain or challenge the reader, I get more worried about what I post. What if someone doesn't want to read my writing?

I have decided they can...well. Not read it.

That said, I have had an emotional week and a half. What? guys have feelings? Indeed, shocking I know. This is the first time I've been working for a summer, and in many ways it has been awesome. At the same time though, I have a lot less free time than I'm used to, and when other important things come up, it's harder to deal with them. I spent all of last week trying to see my girlfriend before she left the country for a month, and every day something got in the way. I was getting very discouraged and started to doubt a lot of things in my life I held certain. I questioned if I should go to school next semester, if I really wanted to do game design, and if Mariko and I would be able to keep our relationship going from an hour away.

In many ways, that was what hurt the most. For two and a half years I've known I wanted Mariko. I never doubted her or our relationship until last week. Not only that, I had never really taken a hard look at what life was going to throw at us. College is hard work and stress, especially for someone like Mariko. What if we don't have enough time to see each other? With all of these things swirling around my head, I finally got to spend a day with her on Sunday.

I think we'll be ok.

Yes, it may be different, but the simple truth is I love being with her. She makes me happy. I don't want to give that up. There's a lot of confusion in my life right now, with trying to see friends, work, and helping with youth group, and I've been basing my identity in Mariko. With her leaving I was freaking out about what life is going to like. In truth, not that different. A month away sucks, but I have a life here that I can enjoy, and it gives me some much needed time to reestablish my life on God's word.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll post more soon.

Self Help

"Excuse me sir, I know you're just getting back home, but could I talked to for just one moment?"

This is what greeted me as I got out of the car today. To be honest, it was rather startling. I have no idea how she manged to avoid being spotted until I was out of the car. It was a well executed ambush, and I was defenseless. Well, sorta.

Basically, she (She gave me her name, but it wasn't a hello. It was merely a means to an end) wanted to sell me a book that would give me a "guilt free and stress free life"....Hmm. Sounds good, but that's not enough to sell me. Then she threw in the self help book. Oh boy.

Now, I love me good self help book. All the tips and points with the cute little drawings ("hang in there!"). Awesome. Still, I'm always a little sad when I see one. I always wonder if the writer really wanted to help people, or if they just found an easy way to make money. Everyone is looking for a way to make life better, and I understand that. It just hurts me to see so many try and fail when there is such an easy solution. Yes, I said it. There really is a solution! And guess what? It even comes in book form! Yup, the best "self help" book you'll ever find, and it can be yours for the low low price of free. Heck, I'll give you mine. I even have some notes in there that might help you out. It won't make everything perfect immediately, but I can guarantee complete satisfaction in 90 years or less or your money back.

As I write this, I'm feeling a pang of regret. I had a chance to tell her why I don't need a book to make my life better, and I didn't. I can blame it on many things, but it doesn't really matter. I missed a chance, and that is always regrettable, but there is something I can do. I'm praying for this girl (likely older than me). I pray that God puts someone in her life to show her the right way.